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Sometimes feel a very deep, visceral loneliness. A longing to be met and seen. To have the people see me for who I am and for me to meet them in that space where no one has to perform or be anything other than themselves.

I realised how lucky I am to have this with close friends. They make space for me. They allow me to be myself and accept me as I am. But romantically, I was feeling unmet.

Today I reflected on what this loneliness is when i don't even feel alone. And I had to think of non duality. Do I exist if no one sees me? But what is it in me that is asking it? What is this existential loneliness?

The answer was behind the ego, observing me silently. And I saw I can see myself without needing anyone else. Because this longing was never about fulfilling my life, or my ego, or my needs. It was about knowing who I am. Just like a baby knows it exists because an adult looks at them in the eyes. That's the first moment of realisation. You feel seen as a child and then along the way no one looks at you anymore that way and you spend your life trying to be sure you exist.

Then I thought this is a longing I cannot truly fulfil. How can I look for the answer in another, if nothing is separate and two don't exist, only one?

I can see myself through someone else's eyes and still know I exist alone. I think.